


Southern Boy

by MLWood



Series: Shorts/WIPS [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Funny southern sayings, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-21 01:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9524399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MLWood/pseuds/MLWood
Summary: Bones and Spock get tossed in a prison cell for a few days and Spock learns some interesting turns of phrase from the South born doctor.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have been reading some Spones fics lately and few that are just from Bones point of view and it got me thinking about all of the hilarious things that Bones says. I looked up Southern expressions because I'm from the Northwest (not even sure if I qualify as a Yankee...Southerns let me know) and the sayings are hilarious. (https://wanderwisdom.com/travel-destinations/Funny-Southern-Sayings-and-Southern-Expressions) Southern Americans really know how to turn a phrase. Instead of “what is making you so mad?” a Southern might say “what's got your knickers in a knot?”. Of course in the North we say something similar like “what's got her panties in a twist?” or “what crawled up his ass today?”. Or if someone gets angry apparently one thing they might say is “she has a dying duck fit”. I don't know what that means, but according to the author of the blog, it means run and hide. :) So what can we do with Bones and all of these fun little turns of phrase? Let's see shall we? The rating is mostly for swearing and some sexual language. No smut in this, directly, which is a first for me I think... Also it is dialogue heavy.

“God damn it all,” Leonard groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “It's hotter than two rabbits humping in a wool sock in here.” Here being a tiny little cell in a Klingon prison where he and Spock had been deposited two days ago without a single visit from their hosts since the first day.

Spock raised a brow, glancing over at the Doctor from where he sat against one wall of their six by six accommodations. “I fail to see why a small mammal from the family _leporidea_ would wish to copulate inside a warmth giving garment designed for the foot Doctor.”

“I fail to see how you still try to pull the wool over our eyes about your understanding of human sayings,” Bones grumbled. “You have a human mother for fuck's sake, who was a linguist!”

“It amuses me,” Spock admitted, quirking a small smile at the doctor. “And yes it does seem to to be getting warmer in here. It is likely mid-day.”

“Ha! Knew it!” Leonard declares with a snort, chuckling despite himself. “Wonder if one of those ugly bastards is going to come back and feed us? I'm so hungry I could eat the north end of a south-bound pole cat. Hell I'd even be willing to eat those fugly worms they have the gall to call food. Figures ugly sons of bitches would eat ugly food. When they fell out of the ugly tree they hit every god damn branch on the way down.”

“I am certain they find their appearance to be satisfactory and our own to be displeasing,” Spock commented staring at the ceiling.

“Do you find their appearance to be satisfactory?” Leonard asked with a huffed laugh.

“Negative,” Spock said simply, glancing sideways at the doctor.

Leonard grinned, “Not your cup of tea eh? Uhura is a beautiful woman though. You are a lucky man Spock.”

“The Lieutenant and I are not longer in a romantic relationship,” Spock said softly.

“Seriously?” Leonard asked eyebrows going up. “An intelligent, beautiful woman with that size a over the shoulder boulder holder? Are you insane man?”

“It has come to my attention that I am far more interested in those that wear what you would charmingly call a “banana hammock” than a large brassiere, Spock said mouth quirking up on one side.

“No shit?” Leonard asked in surprise. “Didn't see that coming. Figured being gay would be illogical.”

“Biology is not illogical. It is what it is,” Spock replied. “I could not maintain an erection with Nyota despite numerous stimulating methods, yet the Captain bending over in the shower had me scrambling for a towel to hide my automatic response.”

“Jim does have a mighty fine ass,” Leonard agreed with a chuckle. “It's a damn shame he only shares it with the fairer half of the populous. You'd think that as free as he is with his love he'd share it with males too, but he pretty much draws the line at anything beyond jacking off in the same dark dorm room.”

“You do not?” Spock asked curiously. “Draw the line at masturbation in an unlit room?

“Nah. I married a woman, sure, but I can choke on a fat cock just as happily as I can licking a clit. It's all about the person for me,” Leonard said with a shrug.

“That is a decidedly graphic image,” Spock said stiffly.

“Ah don't get your knickers in a knot Spock,” Leonard said with a huffed laugh. “It's just sex. Surely you've had it at some point?”

“Negative,” Spock said softly. “I have been unable to perform effectively with potential partners as they were all female. I have not had the opportunity to engage a male in coitus as of yet. I am not practiced in the art of human flirtation nor in discerning a male's sexual orientation.”

“Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit,” Leonard said with a small chuckle. “You're actually a virgin?”

“Affirmative, though Vulcans place little value on the concept of virgin versus non-virgin. It is simply a state of being. When I finally engage in coitus I will not miraculously change into a new lifeform,” Spock said with an irritated sigh.

“Hell's bells,” Leonard snorted. “Thought for sure someone as pretty as you would have knocked boots with someone by now. That's a damn shame. What a waste.”

“I believe that was a compliment,” Spock said glancing over at the Doctor.

Leonard waved him off and was quiet for awhile, but couldn't keep from coming back to the fact that a man in his thirties was still a virgin. “What about the five finger shuffle?”

“Pardon?” Spock asked turning his head and raising a brow in confusion.

“Jerking off, polishing the pole, masturbation,” Leonard said with a huff. 

“What about it?” Spock asked still looking at Leonard curiously, a small smile on his lips.

“Do you do that at least?” Leonard asked stretching his legs out and crossing one leg over the other.

“I am male,” Spock replied, as if that answered the question. When the doctor simply gave him a questioning look he sighed. “Doctor do you know of any species where the general male populous does not seek self stimulation in the absence of a mating partner?”

“Well now I don't,” Leonard said with a huff. “Didn't think Vulcans lubed the tube honestly.”

“Mm, since I am self lubricating that is a given,” Spock said with a growing smirk.

“Are you really?” Leonard asked, eyebrows going up in interest. “Your pointy eared mind invaders, aka “Healers” are pretty damn close lipped about your species' physiology. I know about the penile sheath from your exams and a few medical emergencies, but that's about it.”

Spock studied him for a moment then opened his mouth a few times.

“Cat got your tongue Spock? Spit it out already,” Leonard grouched.

“If we were to find a way out of this prison or were rescued, would you be interested in a personal tour of Vulcan anatomy Doctor?” Spock asked, his cheeks flushing lightly.

“Well that offer just dills my pickle Spock,” Bones said with a grin, catching on to the Vulcan's embarrassed offer immediately. “Sure would darlin'.”

“Very well,” Spock said with a nod. He got up gracefully, wandered to the door and yanked it off of its hinges like it was tacked on with paper glue. “I ascertained that the metal of this door was weakened while you rested earlier.”

“Why I outta jerk a knot in your tail!” Bones snapped. “Why in tarnation were we just sitting here shooting the breeze? Seriously Spock you could make a preacher cuss!”

“I was enjoying our time together,” Spock admitted softly.

Leonard blinked at the surprising admission. Swallowing, he said without heat, “Ah kiss my go-to-hell hobgoblin. Let's get outta here.”

***

Jim grinned as his two friends materialized on the transporter pad. “Bones! Spock! Man am I glad to see you two. Took Scotty almost two days to track the Klingon ship to this planet. You guys okay?”

“I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out and could eat a goddamn horse, otherwise fine,” Leonard grumbled.

“I am functional Captain,” Spock said. “I do indeed have some nutritional and cleansing needs that I would prefer to complete as soon as I am able however.”

Jim waved a hand. “Yeah sure. If you guys are sure you're okay you can debrief me after a shower and some food. How about 1900 this evening?”

“That will be sufficient,” Spock said with a tight nod. “Doctor I will submit myself for the promised physical examination after our debrief with the Captain.”

“I'll be there with bells and whistles on,” Leonard said with a salute and a small smirk.

Jim watched Spock leave and turned to Leonard with a raised brow. “Did Spock just volunteer for a physical, _from you_?”

“Mmhm,” Leonard said with a smirk.

“ _Why_?” Jim asked horrified. “Why would he want to do that to himself? You're mean.”

“Depends on the physical doesn't it?” Leonard asked heading to the door and out into the hall.

“Did he get hurt or something? Looked fine,” Jim said hurrying after the doctor.

“Nope he's fine,” Leonard said with a shrug.

Jim frowned at him as he followed his friend towards his room. “Well then what could he possibly want from you?”

“Oh darlin' don't worry so much,” Leonard said punching in the code to his room. “Spock just need a good long examination. Real in depth. It's gonna be long and hard. I can guarantee that. I promise though, after we're finished he'll be happier than ol' Blue layin' on the porch chewin' on a big ol' catfish head.”

Jim squinted at him for a moment, then suddenly his face cleared and he barked a laugh. “Holy shit you're gonna fu-”

“Bye Jim,” Leonard said with a smirk, hitting the button to close his door. He shook his head, “Lord knows I love that kid, but for a genius sometimes that boy doesn't have the sense God gave a goose.”


End file.
